TV and Beer

This was written on Monday evening, our first night in London.

London is a very dangerous place. We all know Jack the Ripper, Sweeney Todd, dark and narrow alleys. While here in London we too have witnessed the current horrors of London crime. We have witnessed the show known only as NIGHT COPS.

The show was thrilling, exciting, entertaining, just like our own COPS show. Police officers in the UK have the most challenging of jobs. They risk their lives daily battling against wet willies and profanity. This entire show was based on the cliff hanging drama involving the bar and club scene. A gentleman in a dispute with his girlfriend got a tad excited, started shouting profanities in the street, and was promptly disciplined by the UK's finest. Another gentleman decided to lick his finger, stick it in the ear of a cop patrolling the local pub, and gave the man in uniform a wet willy. For this he was apprehended and quickly transported out of the pub and outside, where he was given a stern lecture and released. Profanity boy ended up with a ticket for 40 pounds, and promptly let go.

Another clip included actual WEEPING. A man was accused, and apparently guilty of, trying to steal someones jacket. Once this grown man realized the gravity of the situation he began to cry. Apparently he had not watched this thrilling show before, because if he had, he would know, he had nothing to worry about.

The entire damn show was about people (always drunk) committing the slightest of offenses, given a stern talking to, and RELEASED. Always, released, and ALWAYS talked to in a respectful/intelligent manner. This is apparently as bad as it gets in Edinburgh Scotland. Frankly my friends, I think it is high time for us to get organized. We have all seen mob movies. We have all witnessed the crime sensation known as Lex Luther. We need to move in and get some Hollywood style mafia action installed. That's all I think it would take to turn this entire city into a cesspool of brutal crime and murder. Lets make a few bucks, catch a few diseases, and live like kings in the dark alleys and holes of this town. The cops, obviously, will try to talk us out of it, but after listening to their advice, and throwing away the lollies they hand to us, we should have no trouble taking over this town. Lets get together, buy some tickets, head over here, and create a crime syndicate that only the powers of a superhero could possibly battle. It's ours my friends, ours for the taking, as long as your fearless leader (myself) can sober up long enough to come up with a decent thought, they will be DOOMED.

We witnessed another show called TV BURP. I believe it was a comedy show harassing the television shows of the week. It was almost funny. A man with large black glasses, a bald head, and a popped collar you could hide under would do little sketches involving clips of various shows. The chicken puppet was very enjoyable. There was also a fat hairy guy with bad teeth, a woman with a bowl on her face who headed-butted a guy with a pillow strapped to his face, she then jumped on his pillow head. It was frightening in a sketch comedy kind of way. She could have squished him. Jello was also involved, although they called it “jam.” The puppet sat on the jello, the host sat on the jello, I have no idea what the hell was with the damn jello. They were all about it, and yes, a deformed puppet vibrating on a pile of jello, to surf music, that's funny; a grown man sitting on a giant jello mold and just sort of swishing around, that's creepy as hell man. I have seen something similar, and let me tell you, it will never be allowed on the airwaves of any sane country. Creepy man.

This post has been officially sponsored by a few British beers, the names of which I can't quite recall right now.